Happy Tuesday, everybody. We’ll get to the indictments and the Bidens in the next block. But first.
GUTFELD MUSIC VIDEO: So many stories too upsetting to look into. A bunch of news that just makes you wanna cry. Then suddenly everything gets less depressing. Could the change of season be the reason why? Summer news helps you unwind. It’s silly and it’s stupid but you don’t mind.
It’s true. It’s true. In the summer, the news gets slower than AOC playing Jeopardy! So let’s talk about me. I just got my back waxed. Shout out to the Yankee Candle Company. Here’s the before. I know. And here’s the after. Not bad. Yeah. Thank you. Those are my sisters. But why did I do this? It’s to make myself more attractive if that’s even possible. But I wonder as I get better looking, what about everybody else? I believe it’s time for:
GUTFELD SCIENTIFIC INSTITUTE PRESENTS: Are people getting uglier?
So is our imagination overactive or are people becoming less attractive? It’s something that I’ve noticed. Go anywhere and you see how fitness has become fatness. Meanwhile, people take perfectly good hair and dye it blue or purple, while others just let themselves go. But now science is proving me right. It’s the theory presented by a fellow named Shafee Hassan, who apparently is a facial analyst. A facial analyst? Sounds like the most prized job at Pornhub. Actually, Mr. Hassan runs an Australian facial esthetics consultancy firm that uses artificial intelligence to analyze people’s faces. In response to a question about why old high school yearbooks contain so many attractive people compared to today, he writes, The average person’s face is becoming increasingly disadvantaged by modern diet, sleeping patterns, pollutants and orofacial habits, creating a greater inequality in the attractives versus the unattractives.” So there you go. As predicted, now, even faces are disadvantaged. Maybe we can bus them onto more attractive people. But if we’re all getting uglier, the Democrats would call that equity. Hassan breaks it down.
SHAFEE HASSAN: Have you ever looked at the old yearbook from the 1950s and wondered why teenagers or high schoolers look so much older than they do today? There are multiple theories for why this is the case, but the one that makes the most intuitive sense, at least to me, is presented in contemporary orthodontics by [undecipherable] using what’s known as the functional matrix hypothesis.
What? Get to the point, weirdo. What is the functional matrix hypothesis? In simple terms.
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SHAFEE HASSAN: In simple terms, this theory states that the development of the face is dependent on the forces that you put on it. For the upper and lower jaw, with 70% of the Western world having some kind of mal occlusion or recession much like this. It’s a very good explanation for why faces are becoming less and less attractive as time goes on. And much of it has to do with the modern lifestyle.
Interesting. So apparently we have less pronounced jaws than previous generations. Guess he’s never watched the WNBA. But also older generations put more force on their facial bones, probably from gritting their teeth, you know, and fighting wars and hunting wild animals or dating Nancy Pelosi. Now, I think he might be right. Just look at the average woman from the 50s. Talk about beauty. Now, what have we got?
PICTURE OF DYLAN MULVANEY AND LIA THOMAS
On the bright side, you could open a Bud Light on those jawlines. But let’s look at the average women of today.
No, that’s not fair. You could apply this theory to men as well. Remember when men looked like this? Now we’re stuck with this. Yep. There’s so much estrogen in those dudes. Just looking at them gave me menstrual cramps. Of course, some will tell you that people getting ghastly is actually a good thing. If we want to control population growth, why not make ourselves unscrewable? Or maybe it’s a ruse to keep us wearing masks forever. And the media says all bodies are beautiful even when our eyes disagree. But there’s been a rebellion against beauty, which is felt in art and culture and biology. Heck, think about how previous generations used to dress in public, to go to a sporting event or take a flight. Men and women would get dressed up, a full suit or a dress. Now it’s all yoga pants, sandals and hairy toes.
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These days, entire ad campaigns are built around models you wouldn’t look at twice in a Wal-Mart. Not that I’ve ever been in a Wal-Mart. Well, once to buy a shovel, a bag of lye and a bone saw at three in the morning. But that’s a conversation for later. But now we’re told that our innate disposition to find certain people more attractive than others is actually a form of bigotry called lookism. Even though it’s normal to be attracted to people who don’t look sick or tired, puffy and obese, or all of the above. It’s now discrimination to find some people hotter than others. Or maybe, just maybe, people look better years ago because they took pride in their appearance. They had demanding jobs instead of staring at tiny screens all day.
They didn’t gorge themselves on crap and then blame fat shaming and they didn’t wallow around in crocs and pajamas like they were inmates at a mental ward. It feels as if we as a society have given up. Look at the cities and entertainment and travel. Hell, we don’t even expect our models on the cover of swimsuit rags to be in shape, much less thin. And when we’re forced to accept it as appealing, it just doesn’t ring true. So this isn’t about ugliness. It’s about a denial of truth. As Keats said, “Beauty is truth and truth is beauty.” Beauty or an aspiration for it somehow always leads you to a truth about life. Like Shakira said, “The hips don’t lie,” especially when they’re in two different area codes.
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