Yes, Happy Thursday everybody! Hahaha. Okay all right. They use their might to spy on the right. A new report from the House Judiciary Committee reveals that under the guise of investigating Jan. 6, the Feds asked banks to do a search of transactions for indicators of home-grown violent extremists.
Problem is, according to Congressman Jim Jordan, the Treasury Department asked the banks to conduct the search using terms like “Trump” and “MAGA.” In an effort to track gun purchases, they also asked the banks to query terms like, query terms like, yeah, I don’t know, like “Bass Pro Shops” and “Dick’s Sporting Goods.” So in other words, if you so much as bought a jock strap at Dick’s, then you could have ended up on a federal target list of domestic violent extremists. Luckily, I knit my own. Takes two balls of yarn.
But domestic violent extremists, that’s quite a mouthful, right? Why don’t we just shorten it to what the Feds really mean: Republicans. Now, of course, they’re using Jan. 6 to justify all of this. They use it to justify everything. They’re trying to cram more under that umbrella than Chris Christie at a nude beach. Seriously, I don’t think anyone’s gotten more out of a single date than since Meghan went home with Harry. A little British humor.
True, Jan. 6 has been milked more than the “Octomom.” There’s a callback. But in this case, the excuses are as weak as Joe’s urine stream. According to Fox Digital, Treasury’s excuse is that the searches were actually begun under the previous administration, hmm. Hey, guys, I think you’re already in a hole, two more shovels full, and Joe and Hunter will be able to talk to their Chinese partners face to face. Because if that’s true, if, in fact, Treasury was using search terms like “Trump” and “MAGA” while Trump was still in office, then they were investigating the supporters of the sitting U.S. president, you know, like John Kerry after Botox, that’s not an improvement.
Now our president heads the executive branch, Treasury is under that branch, so really they were conducting an investigation into their own boss. I mean, that’s like Kat investigating me and no, I wasn’t licking the sweat off your hair extensions. It gets worse.
According to Jordan, Bank of America also gave the FBI a list of folks who made credit card transactions in the D.C. area between Jan. 5 and Jan. 7, 2021 and customers who had made any historical purchase of a firearm or had purchased a hotel, Airbnb or airline travel within a given date range. Note to self always use cash when participating in an insurrection and sleep on Shannon Bream’s couch. Reportedly, Bank of America did all this without asking for a warrant, and they’re still called Bank of America, more like Stank of America, am I right? I came up with that one.
Now, luckily I don’t use that bank. I have this Nigerian prince who handles all my money. His name is Charles Payne. Meanwhile, BofA is doing warrantless searches on behalf of the Feds on search terms that are so broad they’re by definition going to turn up more innocents than targets. This is supposed to be a valid use of the nation’s investigative resources. Just months after our cities practically burned to the ground during the 2020 Summer of Brotherly Love. If only they wore red hats, we’d be calling that a civil war.
In response to these allegations of helping the FBI, BofA claims, they were acting on instructions from Treasury. Now is it me, or is this entire affair starting to sound as circular as a Froot Loop? Old school lawmen call this self-supporting investigation a self licking ice cream cone, which is also the Secret Service codename for Joe Biden. But another term for it could be unethical or perhaps even illegal. It would be like if Trump asked Planned Parenthood for all the records on women who had abortions, or people who bought electric cars or people with IQs under 70. Because in fact, when FBI Supervisor Steve Jensen saw this info, he reportedly ordered it purged from FBI systems because the leads lacked allegations of federal criminal conduct. That might be the understatement of the year, right behind “The View” induces vomiting.
So let’s ask the FBI a question: You guys are investigating anyone who had a previous gun purchase and who traveled to D.C. before the inauguration, so did the name Hunter ever come up? Now, I should clarify, I mean the name Hunter and not the noun hunter, or else you’d happily arrest this guy instead. Yeah that’s Donald Trump Jr., on the right.
So according to Fox Digital, the FBI has declined comment which is Fed speak for let’s get past November 5th to see if we have to retire, but I don’t think no comment is going to cut at this time. This feels like one of those things that, you know, like anal warts and Joy Reid, they just don’t go away. Hah! I said show a picture of Joy Reid.
In the meantime, there are lessons here for those of us who might disagree with the administration. If you so much as buy a wiffle ball bat at Dick’s, pay cash. If you eat at Cracker Barrel, wear a disguise. If you ever stood for the national anthem, watch your back and for God’s sake, make sure your tax returns are perfect or maybe it’s time to start living your life under the radar, assume an identity that’s safe, registered Democrat, declare yourself non-binary, send a donation or two to Planned Parenthood or just change your name to Biden.
Hell, you won’t even have to pay taxes, but you will have to pay 10% to daddy.
