Happy Monday, everyone. Let’s get started. March is women’s history month. Yeah, where we all remember the contributions of women in history as if they’d ever let us forget. A Harvard University poll shows Donald Trump with a six-point lead over Joe Biden. Meanwhile, a Yale University poll shows Joe Biden with a six-point lead over hemorrhoids. The CDC is no longer recommending that Americans stay home after testing positive for Covid 19. Anthony Fauci could not be reached for comment as he is busy looking for his lost ring.
Academics at the University of Kent have just released a groundbreaking study that debunks a woman’s preferred penis size. Turns out the optimal length is just enough to tuck into a speedo. They didn’t say men or women, you know. Disgusting. A retired prison guard from Wisconsin has set a world record by eating a lifetime total of 34,000 Big Macs or, as some people call it, lunch. Marianne Williamson has unsuspended her presidential campaign, claiming she could win if more people heard her message. To help get the word out, she’s added a second Ouija board. Police in Pennsylvania caught an Elvis impersonator in a hotel room with a 16-year-old girl. Wow, talk about staying in character. Elvis!
An expert said more women might be psychopaths than we previously thought. Remarkably, he claims to have reached his conclusion after watching just one hour of television. A California software engineer went viral for wearing an AI headset on his wedding day. Then the bride went viral on the honeymoon by dumping him and banging the best man. He deserved it. All right, let’s do the monologue. Do you feel it America? Something’s building. And it’s not just the sexual tension between me and the 3 million people at home. It’s that feeling you get waiting for a parent to finally smack that obnoxious kid in the restaurant who’s screaming and whining for attention. I feel it every night.
PARENTS PUSH BACK ON AMERICAN COLLEGES PROMOTING DEI INITIATIVES: ‘DEI IS DANGEROUS’
But I sense that America has finally had enough of the left using identity as a weapon to settle old scores. The adults have finally come home. Last week, the University of Florida eliminated all diversity, equity and inclusion positions. The former employees were said to be shocked, believing that they were the ones who were supposed to be getting other people fired. And so, that rustling sound you hear is thousands of woke acts filling out applications at Starbucks. Now students will have to prepare for the world the old fashioned way – by selling pictures of their feet on social media. Florida’s decision followed a recent state ban on not just DEI but all activities used for political or social activism in the public college system. In other words, Florida just recognized the US Constitution, which bans discrimination based on race, any race. And we can thank Governor DeSantis for putting his foot down, even if that foot’s a size five patent leather boot. I love them.
Apparently, schools are going to concentrate on teaching instead. How radical? What’s next? Airlines returning to bolting doors to their planes? Disney returning to making family friendly movies? Women’s sports returning to women’s sports? Except when it comes to driving. Florida’s decision follows the recent mess at Google, where their Gemini artificial intelligence turned out to be about as intelligent as The View’s live audience. Gemini reflected all the prejudices of its creators, who had a slightly less positive view of white people than Joy Reid. Gemini got so much blowback it had to can it, which shows if you choose an ideology that openly competes against your profitability, your product dies. Just ask Bud Light.
RED-FACED GOOGLE APOLOGIZES AFTER WOKE AI BOT GIVES ‘APPALLING’ ANSWERS ABOUT PEDOPHILIA, STALIN
Now these outcomes were inevitable because to the left, settling scores of the past is their only employment. So they push their bizarre pathologies into every aspect of our lives. They want to tell us who can work, what can be taught in schools, what pronouns to use and who can use which bathrooms. I wish I could enforce that last one here. Cavuto is on this broccoli smoothie kick. Oh, and he’s making the place smell like a monkey cage. And for a long time being too busy, working Americans just put up with it. But then came George Floyd. Suddenly it was turbocharged. No amount of pandering was enough. We were no longer USA. We were BLM. There were signs in every big city window until mostly peaceful rioters smashed them. But of course, this quietly went away once we learned that BLM’s leaders were as legit as Rachel Dolezal after a spray tan.
Then came the new acronym: DEI, a magical term intended to replace equal opportunity with mandated outcomes. It didn’t take long for this one to go south, either. Could there have been a more fitting metaphor for DEI’s death than the firing of the president of Harvard for being a fraud? And there’s irony there. The broad with the giant glasses didn’t even see it coming. Thank you. It means something. If Claudine Gay weren’t proof enough, I’ve got two words for you. Kamala Harris. And she has 30 words for you, none of which make any sense.
Next came the business world and the newest acronym, ESG– environmental, social and governance. It should stand for endless s*** and giggles because you’re going to put this one down on as life support too, because even its leading proponent, Larry Fink, over at BlackRock, admits ESG is a bigger loser than me at an Ugliest Man contest. The world’s biggest investment fund just stated that ESG has caused negative publicity for BlackRock and may continue to do so in the future.
Yeah, negative publicity. And this is BlackRock, a company so insidious it serves stir fry Panda in the corporate cafeteria. It’s not over yet. For every DEI that dies, a new one comes to life just under a different name. Because they hate meritocracy even if it works. Especially if it works. But no matter your race, gender, or color, if you’re good at what you do, you should move up in the world. Doesn’t matter if you’re Black, White, Brown, or purple. Though if you’re purple, get to an emergency room because it means you can’t breathe. And then pray to God that your doctor wasn’t a diversity hire.
