Happy Thursday, everybody. So is it all just pretend or have they met little green men? Well, it looks like Mulder and Scully were right, and I don’t even know who that is, but some nerd on my staff wrote it, so let’s go with it. Yeah, according to some remarkable testimony from three men we heard before Congress yesterday, we are not alone, there are flying saucers and not just when my assistant screws up my coffee. Our planet is being visited by beings from another world and it’s not just this freak. We call them UFOs, but the government now calls them unidentified anomalous phenomena or UAP, not to be confused with WAP or ALF. The star was David Grusch, a former intel officer for the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency, or… yeah. He made headlines last month when he claimed the US government has been hiding UFO crash debris and even dead non-human pilots. They’re likely in Joe’s garage next to the Corvette, but this time he said it under oath and he’s not a Democrat. So it matters, play the tape.
NANCY MACE: If you believe we have crashed craft, as stated earlier, do we have the bodies of the pilots who piloted this craft?
DAVID GRUSCH: Biologics came with some of these recoveries. Yeah.
NANCY MACE: Were they, I guess, human or non-human biologics.
DAVID GRUSCH: Non-human and that was the assessment of people with direct knowledge on the program I talked to that are currently still on the program.
Mhm. So they’re aliens but they’re dead. Guess they probably killed themselves when they learned I was married. It happens a lot. So what does a biologic look like? Well we don’t know, but they’re considered non-human, so let’s start there. Remember that creature? He was here on earth for a few years, then disappeared. I’m pretty sure he was from the planet Jackass. So is Grusch credible? Here’s what our guy Walter Kirn said on the show last week.
WALTER KIRN: I know the whistleblower. I know Dave Grusch… He’s actually a very sincere guy… America, though, may get its wish, it may see a congressional hearing at which all our big shots are there arranged behind their desk with their glasses of ice water, and they out the existence of aliens and suddenly a blue beam comes into the room, vaporizes Chuck Schumer, etc.
Hmm. So he predicted a lot of that, is he right there? I mean, people are starting to act really weird. Could aliens be responsible for this behavior?
MITT ROMNEY: I love hot dogs. I love them in buns. I love them outside of buns. I love them with baked beans. I just like hot dogs. It’s the best meat there is, without question.
ESPN/DAN THOMAS: He’s on the naughty side for PSG, he’s not gone on the tour of Japan…
TIKTOK/@KNUCKELSLAWNCARE: I am telling you right now that ****, that **** back there is not real. And you can sit on this plane, and you can **** die with him or not. I’m not going to.
LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL: This week have been good bipartisan cooperation and a string of…
SEN. JOHN BARRASSO: Anything else you want to say, or should we just go back to your office? Do you want to say anything else to the press?
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Is that would Kirn was talking about! So why isn’t all this testimony a bigger news story? An ex-government official said we have alien bodies. That’s either the greatest story in human history or the greatest hoax. We’ve had decades of sci-fi movies made about this very moment, and we’re all like, yeah, cool let’s watch Barbie. Is everyone as checked out as Joe Biden? I mean, if there’s even a chance it could be true, this is under oath, after all, why isn’t it the only thing anybody is talking about today? People flip out every time Kim Kardashian takes out her garbage. But aliens are real, and we’re ignoring it like it’s Brian Kilmeade weeping in the men’s room, which is often.
We finally got several credible ex-witnesses testifying at an open congressional hearing to the existence of UFOs, both the Dems and Republicans take it seriously, too, and everybody just yawns like someone’s showing them pictures of their ugly kids. It’s weird, maybe if we cared more and demanded more, we’d get more. Instead, we just shrug off the possibility of intelligent life from outer space. Have we become that bored? I mean, what do we do after we hear about aliens? We go back to our phones. Meanwhile, Grusch or whatever his name is, claims people have been injured in efforts to cover up this technology. I think we call that the COVID vaccine mandate.
REP. TIM BURCHETT: Do you have any personal knowledge of people have been harmed or injured in efforts to cover up or conceal these extraterrestrial technologies?
DAVID GRUSCH: Yes.
REP. TIM BURCHETT: Anyone been murdered, that you know of or have heard of I guess?
DAVID GRUSCH: I have to be careful asking that question. I directed people with that knowledge to the appropriate authorities.
So it seems all of this is worth more than a few minutes on a talk show, especially since UAP are in our airspace. But they’re grossly underreported.
RYAN GRAVES: UAPs are in our airspace, but they are grossly underreported. These sightings are not rare or isolated. They are routine.
REP. JAMIE RASKIN: Are there common characteristics to the UAPs that have been cited by different pilots, and can you describe what the convergence of descriptions is?
RYAN GRAVES: Certainly, we were primarily seeing dark gray or black cubes inside of a clear sphere.
REP. JAMIE RASKIN: I’m sorry, dark gray or black cubes?
RYAN GRAVES: Yes, inside of a clear sphere where the apex or tips of the cube were touching the inside of that sphere.
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It’s basically a circle full of black squares. Yeah, sounds intriguing. How does that stay in the air, actually? Is it some sort of antigravity device or perhaps one of our own experimental aircrafts flying through the air like that? You know, it could be one of our trains. Maybe it’s the machine they used to lower Joy Behar into her pants. Here’s another ex-Navy pilot, when asked about his 2004 encounter with a UFO.
REP. GLENN GROTHMAN: So based off of each of your experiences and observations. Do you believe UAPs has posed a potential threat to our national security?
DAVID FRAVOR: Yes and here’s why. The technology that we faced was far superior than anything that we had. And you could put that anywhere. If you had one, you captured one, you reverse engineered it, you got it to work, you’re talking something that can go into space, go someplace, drop down in a matter of seconds, do whatever it wants and leave, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Sounds like he’s describing me at a Starbucks bathroom. But we can’t let flight technology fall into the wrong hands, like the Russians or worse, Spirit Air. Anyway, these guys all served our country for decades, and no one at the hearing questioned their credibility. So perhaps the government knows more about this stuff than they’ve been letting on. I mean, if they’ll cover up cocaine in the White House, why wouldn’t they cover up extraterrestrial pilots at Area 51? Or maybe I got it backwards. And the story is being amplified on purpose as a distraction for something else, but allegedly, this has been happening for decades without the general public knowing. How is that possible?
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REP. JARED MOSKOWITZ: Do you have knowledge or do you have reason to believe that there are programs in the advanced tech space that are unsanctioned?
DAVID GRUSCH: Yes, I do.
REP. JARED MOSKOWITZ: How does a program like that get funded?
DAVID GRUSCH: I will give you generalities. I can get very specific in a closed session, but misappropriation of funds.
REP. JARED MOSKOWITZ: Does that mean that there is money in the budget that is set to go to a program, but it doesn’t, and it goes to something else?
DAVID GRUSCH: Yes, I have specific knowledge of that. Yep.
That seems like you need a follow-up question for that. So maybe we’re not alone. Should we be scared? I mean, sci-fi movies always showed our cities getting destroyed by aliens. But let’s be honest, the Dems are doing a far better job than any green man ever could. So if any beings from other planets are watching this right now, here’s my question: why the anal probes? And more importantly, do you clean them afterward?
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