I love every one of you. Some more than others, though. Happy Wednesday, everybody. So tonight, we’re leading with golf. I don’t know why, but we are. Perhaps it’s because I know so much about it and by so much I mean very little. When I hear ‘fore!’, I think of how many times I get up at night to pee. When I hear about a nice sand wedge, I picture myself in a thong in Cabo. When I hear about a handicap, I think of my favorite spot to park and when I hear of a foursome, I think about the wild weekend I once had with The Jonas Brothers, but for once, there is actual news.
The PGA Tour and Saudi backed LIV Golf are merging in a historic partnership that has rattled the sports world to its very core. Yes. Yes. It’s a blockbuster deal that I don’t care about, but it apparently settles an intense year long feud that’s led to a split among our nation’s golfing treasures. True, the golf world hasn’t seen a dust up this huge since Tiger Woods’ his ex-wife caught him with his putter in a Perkins waitress sand trap. And this can only mean one thing.
ANNOUNCER: D****! TRUMP IS RIGHT AGAIN!
Wouldn’t you know it? Last year, former President Donald Trump, who got flak for hosting a LIV event at his sumptuous New Jersey golf club, predicted this merger would happen on his Truth Social Network. So now he’s praising the deal, writing, “Great news from LIV Golf. A big, beautiful and glamorous deal for the wonderful world of golf. Congrats to all!” Yeah, big, beautiful and glamorous, the same three adjectives I used when staring at the mirror on my ceiling. And, you know, since Trump loves this big, beautiful deal, the Democrats have got to hate it. Senate Dems are calling on regulators to examine the merger and Dick Durbin expects the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to probe it as well, and what about old Joe?
REPORTER: Do you have a comment on the PGA merger with LIV? Do you support it sir?
He’s planning on being in the PGA as what, lawn fertilizer for the course. What’s going on! All right. So I know what you’re thinking because we’re a lot alike, what does this all mean for the sport of golf? I mean, it’s Saudi Arabia, I mean, does the game itself start making changes like hiding IEDs and sand traps? Are the major tournaments still going to be 72 holes? Think about it, I mean, do you get a virgin for each? And if you get a hole in one, do you finally get to meet Osama bin Laden? Don’t even get me started on what happens at holes nine and 11. It’s why we don’t do golf. Predictably, the media are losing their minds.
BROOKS KOEPKA’S COACH TEARS INTO MEDIA OVER LIV GOLF NARRATIVE FOLLOWING PGA CHAMPIONSHIP
CNN: This is just a situation here where money talks, okay? Money talks and morality can get in the way of it and for many, money ends up winning.
MSNBC: Everybody’s getting rich on this deal, everybody’s getting rich… I don’t know how you go from calling them terrorists to calling them great business partners?
MSNBC: Donald Trump, the PGA also shoved him out and his golf courses off of the PGA Tour, well, now he can come right back because he’s already in bed with the Saudis.
I know. Imagine that, doing business with the Saudis. Don’t we already do business with the Saudis? These are just some of the U.S. corporations involved in Saudi Arabia, PepsiCo, Raytheon, Hilton, Boeing, and that’s just to name a few. They’re also one of our top five sources of petroleum imports. So maybe getting upset now over a golf merger seems a little too late in the game. But also, did the media get this bent out of shape over China’s business dealings with the NBA? I mean, they have women and children working 15-hour days to make sneakers for some of the biggest feet in the world. When ironically, the makers have the tiniest. I know, they told Enes Kanter Freedom to shut up and dribble and then they benched him.
Where are they when President Xi violates human rights like it’s par for the course and never mind that deadly viruses spewing from his crappy biolabs like a clown throwing confetti at a parade. But families of 9/11 victims are upset, too, since LIV Golf is owned by Saudi Arabia, home of the terrorists who carried out the attack and they have a point. Fact is, Saudi Arabia does have a reputation worse than Kevin Spacey at Chucky E. Cheese. But then why do we run our cars on Saudi oil? Why didn’t we invade them after 9/11 while blasting Rock the Kasbah by the Clash? It would have been the perfect chance to see if our weapons could beat our weapons and why did Joe Biden recently fist bump one of their leaders? Thankfully for Joe, at least, the leader was actually there. But two things can be true at once, Saudi Arabia can have a dismal human rights record, and this new golf league could be a fun sport to watch, you know, if you’re mixing skunk weed with DayQuil.
So are we really all that shocked that the big green God won the day, especially when the big orange one told you it would happen? Nope. Sadly, it’s like that antisemitic hack Ilhan Omar once said about the Jews, “it’s all about the Benjamins,” and that was her worst bogey since marrying her brother, allegedly.
