Happy Tuesday, everybody. We’re only about 82 days away from the next presidential election. So what a coincidence that an 80-year-old officially announced he’s running today. An ambitious move from a man so old he shouldn’t buy green bananas. Still, Joe Biden made his formal announcement and you could tell it was formal because his Depends had a cummerbund. But I wonder, ‘is personal freedom fundamental to who we are as Americans? And there’s nothing more important?’
JOE BIDEN: Personal freedom is fundamental to who we are as Americans. There’s nothing more important, nothing more sacred. That’s been the work of my first term- to fight for our democracy. This shouldn’t be a [undecipherable remark from Biden].
All right, fine. But, you know, around the country, aren’t MAGA extremists lining up to take on those bedrock freedoms?
JOE BIDEN: You know, around the country, MAGA extremists are lining up to take on those bedrock freedoms, cutting Social Security that you paid for your entire life while cutting taxes for the very wealthy, dictating what health care decisions women can make. Banning books and telling people who they can love- all while making it more difficult for you to be able to vote.
Oh, I call that poppycock. But that’s what Hunter calls his penis. But it is amazing that Biden even slurs his words in recordings that are made with heavy editing. I mean, even John Fetterman is like, ‘Dude, get that guy to a doctor.’ And no, a real doctor.
But it’s more of the same crap- that half the country is irrevocably evil. It’s like when you ran for president four years ago and said ‘We’re going to battle for the soul of America.’ Are we still doing that?
JOE BIDEN: When I ran for president four years ago, I said we’re in a battle for the soul of America and we still are. The question we’re facing is whether in the years ahead we have more freedom or less freedom, more rights or fewer.
BIDEN, HARRIS OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE 2024 RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN
Yeah. So to quote Sam Brinton after stealing your mom’s luggage. ‘Let’s unpack that.’ He was elected four years ago and we’re still battling for the soul of America. We’re still losing freedoms. And that’s your selling point? That your president promising that you unify the country and instead it got worse? It’s like the movie Groundhog Day, except Biden never sees his shadow because he’s asleep by 4 p.m. So once again, he revs up the Never Trump campaign engine like it’s a Corvette parked on a pile of classified documents.
But just because the ‘vote for me I’m not the other guy’ angle worked last time doesn’t mean it will again because now he’s the other guy too. He has a track record and it’s uglier than Joy Behar trying on Brian Stelter’s underpants. Yeah, think about that. No wonder his numbers suck. Seventy percent of Americans don’t want him to run. There are doubts among his own party. He’ll be 86 by the end of his second term. A man that age should retire to spend time with the grandkids, at least the ones he acknowledges. Fact is, Jimi Hendrix would be 86 at the end of Biden’s term and he’s aging better. But back to Joe’s video, where the only thing grainier than the footage was the Adderall they mashed into his pudding. So is it not time to be complacent? And is that why you’re running for reelection?
JOE BIDEN: This is not a time to be complacent. That’s why I’m running for reelection. And this is our moment. So if you’re with me, go to Joe Biden.com and sign up. inside. Let’s finish this job. I know we can.
‘Let’s finish the job.’ That’s usually what a villain says before they kill the family. It’s one of the worst slogans I’ve heard since Bud Light switched to the queen of beers.
Because with Biden, what does finish the job really mean when so far him doing his job brought us hyperinflation, never-ending illegal immigration, an explosion of fentanyl overdoses and rampant crime? You couldn’t come up with a better plan to destroy America if you brainstormed with Putin and President Xi over some Kung Pao borscht. And he didn’t even mention Kamala. Maybe he forgot her name. Or he sees a half-Jamaican woman and thinks, ‘Oh, she’s his home health aide.’ I know. Racist, right? Seriously? He gave her a lower profile than Dana Perino in a cornfield.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE MISTAKENLY REFERS TO KAMALA HARRIS AS ‘THE PRESIDENT’ DURING PRESS CONFERENCE
So I guess it left Kamala no choice but to drop an announcement video of her own.
KAMALA HARRIS SKIT: I’m actually running for president, too. And I’d be honored to be your commander-in-chief because what this country needs right now is for our chiefdom to be commanded. From our effective policies and border control to galvanizing more and more yellow school buses. I will continue to build back better, better and bigger and faster than we’ve ever built back bigger and better before. We are America. We are united. And without Joe Biden on this ticket, we are less handicapped.
Pretty accurate to me. But Joe needs all the help he can get. But don’t take my word for it. Take it from this guy.
You know, I wonder if you took the five worst presidents in history would Joe be ‘worse than all of them?’
DONALD TRUMP: You could take the five worst presidents in American history and put them together and they would not have done the damage Joe Biden has done to our nation in just a few short years.
Wow. Is it not even close?
DONALD TRUMP: Not even close.
